||[May. 9th, 2006|03:36 pm]
A while back, glamourweaver and I were talking about the letters between Sirius and Remus in the beginning of Chapter Thirteen of shoebox_project. I was rereading what we said just now, and I thought I'd share it because I find it extremely entertaining. Chapter Thirteen is just after the Kiss of Extreme Awkwardness at Platform 9&3/4, when Sirius starts dating Sophie the French Girl.
Sirius: Hi Moony, look how normal everything is, what with us being boys and never ever ever ever having kissed each other.
Remus: Indeed, all is completely normal & not remotely awkward!
Sirius: Precisely, which I will now demonstrate by telling you about the girl I'm shagging to convince myself I'm straight!
Remus: Thats very nice and doesn't remotely fill me with soul crushing jealosy, as you can tell by my faintly curious praise.
Sirius: Exactly! There is no reason at all for you to be jealous, for we are two male friends who do not desire each other in a sexual way. Here are some pictures of me with that girl, because I am straight, and I enjoy touching her all over her body.
Remus: Because I am uncomfortable, I will take a moment here to reaffirm my masculinity, although I will do it in a self-depricating and humorous fashion because we all know that I'm not really very manly. I am terribly glad that you enjoy touching girls all over their bodies, and am not remotely filled with rage. I can perhaps fulfill your wish to see me, which will not be in any way awkward, of course, because we are friends.
Sirius: I will also mock your masculinity, because that is comfortable and makes me feel more secure in my own. I am very excited by the idea of spending time with you soon because it will not be awkward! I have no more time for you at the moment, however, beceause I have important things to do with a pretty female girl who I am attracted to in a heterosexual manner.
Remus: I would like to take a moment to "jokingly" insult you, which is in the spirit of commaraderie, and is not a manifestation of anger and jealousy.
Sirius: I will defend myself as if your insults did not sting me because they obviously didn't; they were jokes, of course, and even if they weren't my feelings would not be hurt because I am a man. Let's go off on a tangent for a moment, not because I am hurt and awkward, but simply because I would like to tell you about this pie. I am so lonely without you! I mean . . . I'm bored because James is busy all the time. Have you been given permission to visit me-- I mean us-- which will, of course, not be awkward at all?
Remus: I will now attempt to wheedle out of you an admission that you are lonely without me, specifically, because it would validate my existence if you were to do so. But it's in a completely heterosexual way, of course, and I am not at all passive-agressive. Even though I insult you, I admire you deeply and love everything about you . . . in a totally heterosexual way. Right . . . Oh, I can visit, and am not nervous about it.
Sirius: OMG I GET TO SEE YOU AGAIN MY LOVE!!!1! In a totally heterosexual way. Because I have a girlfriend I like to touch all over her body. I will introduce you to her. She is totally hot, and I, as a heterosexual man, am attracted to her greatly.
P.S. We love shoebox_project, by the way. We joke out of love.